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I finally made it back to Masters Swim. It was nice that it was one-on-one (the gym was pretty empty, I suspect most people had plans tonight). I got a lot of instruction on what's wrong with my stroke. I already feel like I'm on a good path to an improved swim. I'm glad I went back, I'm not sure why I was dreading it so much.

I weighed in today for week 1. Down 4.4. Not quite the 5 I was planning on, but I'll take it and run. I'll take any downward movement. I really wasn't in the mood to see him at the gym tonight. But he knew I would be swimming and he walked through the pool area to leave. I was busy working with my coach so I couldn't talk, I mustered a hey and got one back. But it looked like his puppy had been run over. Ugh, oh well, better to figure it out sooner rather than later, I don't want to drag it out longer.

Life is short. I'm not getting younger. Each time I learn more what I'm looking for and what I'm not. I know more what I'm willing to accept and what things I won't settle for. It certainly makes the filter process quicker, but not easier. I really hate dating. I wish I could know who I was going to marry, so I could just go along with my life, have fun and when I'm ready to start the family, get moving. But life's not like that, so I keep plugging along.

The cleanse has been frustrating. I haven't lost as much as I was told I would as quickly. Not to mention the damn thing is ridiculously expensive. But I will go the full 21 days and give it my all. I'm going to Chicago this weekend and am going to move my meals to dinner. Now the meals aren't exactly on the plan, but I got approval to go ahead and tack some more time to the end. I'm okay with that. One of the meals was the best hamburger I remembered, jeez, I hope it's still great (or on the menu even!). The other meal is with my dad, dinner at Lawry's, it's tradition. I'll get a smaller cut of prime rib and have the corn. I'll enjoy it and not feel guilty and move on.

Well back to my super exciting Vday night of the Bachelor and water. Don't be jealous, I know you wish you had it this good!

Frustrations

Start of day 5 and no change since day 3. I'm frustrated. I know I'm impatient and I know I'm going to stick it through to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm mainly frustrated that the cleanse cost so much and the selling points of doing it have yet to be seen.

A side benefit is that I have started to sleep better. Two nights ago I slept like a rock, which it has been a while. I slept pretty sound last night given the circumstances.

I know that every time I start something like this I seem to do well and then fall off at the end. I don't want this time to be like it, I want to look back and know that I gave it my all the entire time. I'm hoping that like me, my body is just being stubborn too.

Another plus, all these crazy tri workouts have starting to redevelop my biceps and triceps. Each day I get much stronger and each day I get a little more excited for tri season to start in 9 weeks!

Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Is it ironic that I'm coming back to my blog almost exactly a year later or is it insanity?

I think it's insanity. I read the other posts and I think, "jesus, I sound like a broken record." Although I read the posts and think of how much fun I had in San Francisco, it was a year ago yesterday that we went, one of the best weekends I've had in my life. I also went to some amazing concerts this summer. But I'm back in the winter and my thoughts seem familiar.

However, I know in my heart that 2012 will be different. I have this inner feeling this year will be the year of change. I even had a good friend and sports mentor say the same thing. He said shortly into 2012 when I was discussing my goals "Chrissy, I just have this feeling that this will be the year."

So to break the chains of insanity we have to do something different. So what's different about this year? I joined the T3 tri team for starters. I've decided I'm done with completing tris and want to compete in them. So I'm tackling a half ironman in Muncie this July and wanted to train with other like-minded people. I hate feeling like people are waiting on me, so to be slow and join a pack of serious athletes is a huge challenge for me.

I also took on the team lead position for Back on My Feet Indpls' new team - Manchester House. I will be running three days a week at 5:45 a.m. with an amazing group of people. Again, a huge challenge, I'm a slow runner so I hate having people slow for me. I think this will speed me up and teach me to keep pushing through when I want to stop.

There's another 90 day challenge at the gym. Although this time I'm in it to win it, win it all. The female (there's also a male category) that loses the most % of body weight will win $5K, a year of dues and a trip for two to California for a spa weekend. That prize is mine. I'm not letting anything get in my way or be my excuse. I'm going to fight like hell for the next 87 days (we're on day 3) to get there.

I'm three days into a 21 day cleanse. I never thought I'd willingly do one of these. My nutritionist thought it'd be a good way to kick off the challenge and my trainer was all for it. God bless Katie. She has been training me for almost 5 years. And she has wanted me to lose weight more than I usually have wanted it for myself. But this year IS different, I want it just as bad, if not more.

So here's the cleanse. It's based off Alejandro Junger's book "Clean" Humm... how cleaver.

Breakfast
-Shake with fiber, veggie protein powder, glutamine, dynamic greens and coconut milk. I take a shit ton of pill supplements (I think pushing 18 pills in the a.m.) so I needed an XXL pill box. I feel like an old lady with a pill box, but it saves me like 1.5 minutes opening and closing bottles.

Lunch
-Organic protein (8oz) and organic veggies from an approved list.
(I never thought I'd be so excited to eat chewable food until this week and lunch is my only meal)

Dinner
-Shake again. Shit ton pills

If I work out I have a shake before I work out. I get up to 4 shakes a day as needed if I'm hungry.

Day 1-3 observations:
-The first day wasn't hard at all. Until 3 p.m. rolled around. Jesus, I would have tackled the pope for a cookie at that point. or nuts. or fruit. anything really, I just wanted to snack. I realized at this point how much I mindlessly eat and never even realized it.

-I bet I drink more water a day than the average person. But now I know I do. I can't have anything artificial in my water, so it's fresh fruit (which I can't eat LOL) or the loverly minerals Indiana is known for to flavor my water. I now know exactly how long it takes to get to each bathroom in the museum from my office.

-The shakes aren't bad. They taste okay, the consistency isn't bad. Now, ask me again in 10 days if I still think the same.

I try not to talk about it too much, no one wants to hear about the crazy shit you're doing and it gets old. But when you don't physically chew two of your meals a day, you realize how much the world and your life revolves around food.

-I was pissed I didn't lose anything on day 2. I got a nice message from my nutritionist about how damn impatient I am (DUH!) and give it a day. So day 3 I'm down 1.6 pounds.

-My energy is pretty shot during the day. At night I'm running the walls. So the rumor is that in a few days my energy will be through the roof and I'll be sleeping like a baby. One can only wish.

33 miles

Is how many miles I've logged since that last post. I've worked out 3 days and logged 33 miles, so I'm feeling pretty good. It's really good to be back in the routine. What's killing me? Not smoking. Every time I start up my car I get the urge to smoke. Then a few minutes later it goes away. It's just the ritual of it all.

I'm really looking forward to running and biking outside. My bike practically begs me to ride it when I go into the garage. Considering there's 2 inches of ice and 4 inches of snow outside, I don't think that's going to be any time soon.

I went to go find a few new pairs of jeans to take to San Fran next weekend. I know to only to try on short or petite because otherwise they'll be miles too long. Well even the short ones were too long. And a few pairs were too short. Seriously? Can I not catch a break? I just need a fucking pair of jeans. One pair I have now, after about 30 minutes on, they start to fall off and constantly need to be yanked up. I HATE belts, so that's not a vital option. The other pair, the zipper falls down. So I'm constantly having to pull up the zipper. The third pair, are too long! I can either wear them folded up with flats or with heals. Neither is a great option for touring SF. So I'm going to hope and wish that I can find a pair tomorrow.

One sales lady even suggested jeggings. Seriously? I'm sorry, but my personal opinion, anyone that does not have stick thin thighs should NOT be wearing a legging of any sort. If it weren't for the sake of working out, I wouldn't even wear my running tights or capri bike pants. But that's for exercise and not fashion.

The morning after

I'm kinda emotionless today. I got the email late last night that I didn't get another interview. On one hand I'm wondering why they couldn't tell me this Friday after their meeting? I know they met Friday morning to discuss this. One of the co-founders of the organization looked at my Linkedin profile yesterday. So then I think, maybe they really were considering me and had to think a bit?

But I can't play that game. It's not fair and I won't get anywhere. Although it's not worrying, it's useless thoughts. It's like a rocking chair, it's a good way to pass the time, but you won't get anywhere.

Part of me wants to be proud. That I took a shot, even when I knew the odds were against me and went for it. I'm proud that out of more than 120 people, I was one of the 15 people who made it this far. Proud that I must have been up against some incredible competition.

Part of me wants to have a pity party. Twice in the past few months, I've been told no to something I thought I wanted. I didn't have a say, I couldn't convince people otherwise. I guess that's life. People with cancer don't have a say (which reminds me, my yearly blood test is in two weeks). People that lose someone in an accident don't have a say.

It's weird. When I went to volunteer there Saturday, my first thought was "can I really do this?" "Am I really ready to handle this job?" I felt a bit intimidated in the space. Then in the CEO office I saw a poster from my current job hanging on the wall. My friend and I thought it was a sure sign. Guess not. Guess it was a lesson to not believe in signs. Maybe these past few month have been a lesson in trusting my inner, deep most feelings. Although when it came to this job, I had this gut feeling it was meant to be. Just like the other thing I wanted. So maybe when I have this gut feeling again, I should know the opposite will come true.

I'm working from home as the city is pretty much shut down today due to ice. And we're supposed to get more this afternoon. I was so excited at the thought yesterday of having a day to work from home. A day to do laundry, clean my house and do work in my pjs. However, all I've done is sit on the couch and watch tv and scour facebook. I'm so bored and kinda lonely. I wish I had someone to be snowed in with.

I'm feeling guilty about not keeping my workouts number one priority in my life. My tone spots have now become gross and flabby again. I thought how fast it happened. Then I stopped and realized, since the half in November I've been really inconsistent with my routine. So while it seems like it happened over night, it's just that time goes faster than I am willing to admit. So instead of popping in a yoga dvd, I just want to eat. Luckily nothing sounds good. I need to go back to making myself happy and not relying on others or outside events to do it for me.

About a month ago I posed the question, when is my life going to start? I really thought I was going to get this job and that was going to be the grand kick-off. But maybe that won't ever happen. If I sit around waiting for the grand kick-off my entire life is going to pass me by. I need to find the true inner drive and just run, and bike and swim toward the unknown. And when I stop to look back at the mileage I've covered, I'll finally realize that my life's been going all along.

These are your thoughts, in a blender

My thoughts are all over the board this week. I feel like this has been the LONGEST week of my life. I had a phone interview on Monday and wasn't going to get the news until Friday or Monday. Each day has crept by, I've tried not to reply the interview in my head. What good would that do, I can't go back and change it. I'm 80% sure I'll get called back. Although I was incredibly nervous and didn't sound as polished as I had hoped, I seemed to hit everything dead on for what they were looking for.

The thought of being in charge is a bit overwhelming. Can I really rise to the occasion? Do I really have what it takes? Overall, I'm confident that I would rise to the challenge and excel.

I wasn't so sure anymore that I wanted all the responsibility, I was okay with middle management. However, with something I'm passionate about like this, I'm ready for the challenge.

I love music. I think a lot of people can say that. However, I have a very random taste in music. Which I'm actually quite proud about, it seems like I can talk to most anyone about music. But what kills me is the memories I have attached to music. I turned on my shuffle yesterday to work out and the song that came on is the song that was playing when I had a very intimate night. It was like a kick to the gut. A lot of songs remind me of this person, actually. I'm not sure if I should just listen to the songs and get over it or burn them.

So while loving music is great and tying memories to it is usually pretty good, there are times when I wish I don't.

My head says to run, to run fast and far in the other direction. My heart, says to stay, it's everything you need and are looking for. All the small things I want are met. When it comes to my heart, I think I'm a weird dichotomy. On one side I wear my emotions on my sleeve. On the other side, I act like I don't care, that way you can never tell how much you're effecting me. Which then when I'm told I can't have something, I realize how much I really wanted it.

Have you ever?

Have you ever started on someones blog (blogspot) and then clicked the next arrow at the top? It's like blog roulette. You just never know what you'll find next.

I've come to realize after clicking through for about an hour, most people blog about their kids. John rolled over today, Emma drooled on the dog and it was just so adorable. Do people really think the world is that interested in their kids every move? Of course, do people really give two iotas about what I have to say either? I guess my ramblings about what I see in the world are no different than blogging about every little thing a 3 month old does.

The other topic that is on just about every other blog click through is Girl Scout Cookies. Most people bitching about how much they cost, how bad they are, how many places they get hit up for them, but OH how good they are.

When I was little I used to HATE that my dad refused to bring my girl scout order forms (or whatever else I was selling for soccer, ccd, etc.) to work. I used to get so mad and throw a fit. (shocker, right?) But now that I'm older, I so appreciate it.
1) Make the kids sell this stuff themselves!! Learn some self sufficiency at an early age, won't hurt ya.
b) People feel obligated to purchase when it's the boss. Not cool. I used to feel that way a lot at my old job, going to sales demos and parties for his family. I always felt obligated to attend and to purchase something, oh and smack a smile on my face while doing so.
iii) Codependent parents. Or better known as helicopter parents. That is what is wrong with our society today. Kids that get to college and need their parents to call every morning to wake them up. Parents who think their kids deserve a better grade and they'll go in and fight for it. Or my FAVORITE example of the putter-putter of a hovering parent: the call about why their kid didn't get the job they interviewed for or the raise they deserved.

I mean, why should Jenny get a laptop from the GS (this year's prize if you sell 2,000 boxes) because daddy brought the order form to work and all his employees felt obligated to buy a case? I EARNED that trip to GS camp one year selling more boxes of cookies than higher than I could count. It SUCKED delivering every last box, but damn, was I good at my times tables of x times $2.50. I still use that skill today. :)

This weather is just bitter cold. I try not to complain about the weather too much. I know in July I'll think it's too hot and long for cooler days. But damn, 0 with negative wind chills? Is it any wonder why going out in Broad Ripple does not sound appealing at ALL. Even if the Pope were here and wanted to go shake his tail feathers, I would pass to sit at home in my warm hoodie. Who wants to run around a street with drunken people when it's so cold out? Not me. I want to live somewhere that the weather is fall and spring year round. My two favorite seasons, that we only seem to get like a week of.

I can't wait for warmer weather and concert season. After going to so many concerts this past summer/fall with my new friend, I realized how much I love live music. Even if it's a band I don't know too well. I hear there's a lawn summer pass and I would totally like to look into that, especially since the outside venue is 5 minutes from my house. Even week night concerts were pretty awesome. Sometimes I forget to stop and have fun and live life. That's what this new friend (well he's been around for 7 months, so I'm not sure he qualifies as new anymore...although he still has that new car smell and still surprises me on an almost daily basis) has taught me, to have fun. I gave up so many years being codependent with my addicted bff; so I think of this as making up for lost time.

Speaking of music, I totally get in music ruts. I'll listen to the same 12 songs for weeks straight. Then I hear something old from the collection and I get on that forever. I've enjoyed listening to iTunes on shuffle for the past week, so many songs and artists I've forgotten about.

So there you go, instead of this being about rolling over and drooling, it's about music and the weather. Obviously, much more exciting.