But I can't play that game. It's not fair and I won't get anywhere. Although it's not worrying, it's useless thoughts. It's like a rocking chair, it's a good way to pass the time, but you won't get anywhere.
Part of me wants to be proud. That I took a shot, even when I knew the odds were against me and went for it. I'm proud that out of more than 120 people, I was one of the 15 people who made it this far. Proud that I must have been up against some incredible competition.
Part of me wants to have a pity party. Twice in the past few months, I've been told no to something I thought I wanted. I didn't have a say, I couldn't convince people otherwise. I guess that's life. People with cancer don't have a say (which reminds me, my yearly blood test is in two weeks). People that lose someone in an accident don't have a say.
It's weird. When I went to volunteer there Saturday, my first thought was "can I really do this?" "Am I really ready to handle this job?" I felt a bit intimidated in the space. Then in the CEO office I saw a poster from my current job hanging on the wall. My friend and I thought it was a sure sign. Guess not. Guess it was a lesson to not believe in signs. Maybe these past few month have been a lesson in trusting my inner, deep most feelings. Although when it came to this job, I had this gut feeling it was meant to be. Just like the other thing I wanted. So maybe when I have this gut feeling again, I should know the opposite will come true.
I'm working from home as the city is pretty much shut down today due to ice. And we're supposed to get more this afternoon. I was so excited at the thought yesterday of having a day to work from home. A day to do laundry, clean my house and do work in my pjs. However, all I've done is sit on the couch and watch tv and scour facebook. I'm so bored and kinda lonely. I wish I had someone to be snowed in with.
I'm feeling guilty about not keeping my workouts number one priority in my life. My tone spots have now become gross and flabby again. I thought how fast it happened. Then I stopped and realized, since the half in November I've been really inconsistent with my routine. So while it seems like it happened over night, it's just that time goes faster than I am willing to admit. So instead of popping in a yoga dvd, I just want to eat. Luckily nothing sounds good. I need to go back to making myself happy and not relying on others or outside events to do it for me.
About a month ago I posed the question, when is my life going to start? I really thought I was going to get this job and that was going to be the grand kick-off. But maybe that won't ever happen. If I sit around waiting for the grand kick-off my entire life is going to pass me by. I need to find the true inner drive and just run, and bike and swim toward the unknown. And when I stop to look back at the mileage I've covered, I'll finally realize that my life's been going all along.
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