33 miles

Is how many miles I've logged since that last post. I've worked out 3 days and logged 33 miles, so I'm feeling pretty good. It's really good to be back in the routine. What's killing me? Not smoking. Every time I start up my car I get the urge to smoke. Then a few minutes later it goes away. It's just the ritual of it all.

I'm really looking forward to running and biking outside. My bike practically begs me to ride it when I go into the garage. Considering there's 2 inches of ice and 4 inches of snow outside, I don't think that's going to be any time soon.

I went to go find a few new pairs of jeans to take to San Fran next weekend. I know to only to try on short or petite because otherwise they'll be miles too long. Well even the short ones were too long. And a few pairs were too short. Seriously? Can I not catch a break? I just need a fucking pair of jeans. One pair I have now, after about 30 minutes on, they start to fall off and constantly need to be yanked up. I HATE belts, so that's not a vital option. The other pair, the zipper falls down. So I'm constantly having to pull up the zipper. The third pair, are too long! I can either wear them folded up with flats or with heals. Neither is a great option for touring SF. So I'm going to hope and wish that I can find a pair tomorrow.

One sales lady even suggested jeggings. Seriously? I'm sorry, but my personal opinion, anyone that does not have stick thin thighs should NOT be wearing a legging of any sort. If it weren't for the sake of working out, I wouldn't even wear my running tights or capri bike pants. But that's for exercise and not fashion.

The morning after

I'm kinda emotionless today. I got the email late last night that I didn't get another interview. On one hand I'm wondering why they couldn't tell me this Friday after their meeting? I know they met Friday morning to discuss this. One of the co-founders of the organization looked at my Linkedin profile yesterday. So then I think, maybe they really were considering me and had to think a bit?

But I can't play that game. It's not fair and I won't get anywhere. Although it's not worrying, it's useless thoughts. It's like a rocking chair, it's a good way to pass the time, but you won't get anywhere.

Part of me wants to be proud. That I took a shot, even when I knew the odds were against me and went for it. I'm proud that out of more than 120 people, I was one of the 15 people who made it this far. Proud that I must have been up against some incredible competition.

Part of me wants to have a pity party. Twice in the past few months, I've been told no to something I thought I wanted. I didn't have a say, I couldn't convince people otherwise. I guess that's life. People with cancer don't have a say (which reminds me, my yearly blood test is in two weeks). People that lose someone in an accident don't have a say.

It's weird. When I went to volunteer there Saturday, my first thought was "can I really do this?" "Am I really ready to handle this job?" I felt a bit intimidated in the space. Then in the CEO office I saw a poster from my current job hanging on the wall. My friend and I thought it was a sure sign. Guess not. Guess it was a lesson to not believe in signs. Maybe these past few month have been a lesson in trusting my inner, deep most feelings. Although when it came to this job, I had this gut feeling it was meant to be. Just like the other thing I wanted. So maybe when I have this gut feeling again, I should know the opposite will come true.

I'm working from home as the city is pretty much shut down today due to ice. And we're supposed to get more this afternoon. I was so excited at the thought yesterday of having a day to work from home. A day to do laundry, clean my house and do work in my pjs. However, all I've done is sit on the couch and watch tv and scour facebook. I'm so bored and kinda lonely. I wish I had someone to be snowed in with.

I'm feeling guilty about not keeping my workouts number one priority in my life. My tone spots have now become gross and flabby again. I thought how fast it happened. Then I stopped and realized, since the half in November I've been really inconsistent with my routine. So while it seems like it happened over night, it's just that time goes faster than I am willing to admit. So instead of popping in a yoga dvd, I just want to eat. Luckily nothing sounds good. I need to go back to making myself happy and not relying on others or outside events to do it for me.

About a month ago I posed the question, when is my life going to start? I really thought I was going to get this job and that was going to be the grand kick-off. But maybe that won't ever happen. If I sit around waiting for the grand kick-off my entire life is going to pass me by. I need to find the true inner drive and just run, and bike and swim toward the unknown. And when I stop to look back at the mileage I've covered, I'll finally realize that my life's been going all along.

These are your thoughts, in a blender

My thoughts are all over the board this week. I feel like this has been the LONGEST week of my life. I had a phone interview on Monday and wasn't going to get the news until Friday or Monday. Each day has crept by, I've tried not to reply the interview in my head. What good would that do, I can't go back and change it. I'm 80% sure I'll get called back. Although I was incredibly nervous and didn't sound as polished as I had hoped, I seemed to hit everything dead on for what they were looking for.

The thought of being in charge is a bit overwhelming. Can I really rise to the occasion? Do I really have what it takes? Overall, I'm confident that I would rise to the challenge and excel.

I wasn't so sure anymore that I wanted all the responsibility, I was okay with middle management. However, with something I'm passionate about like this, I'm ready for the challenge.

I love music. I think a lot of people can say that. However, I have a very random taste in music. Which I'm actually quite proud about, it seems like I can talk to most anyone about music. But what kills me is the memories I have attached to music. I turned on my shuffle yesterday to work out and the song that came on is the song that was playing when I had a very intimate night. It was like a kick to the gut. A lot of songs remind me of this person, actually. I'm not sure if I should just listen to the songs and get over it or burn them.

So while loving music is great and tying memories to it is usually pretty good, there are times when I wish I don't.

My head says to run, to run fast and far in the other direction. My heart, says to stay, it's everything you need and are looking for. All the small things I want are met. When it comes to my heart, I think I'm a weird dichotomy. On one side I wear my emotions on my sleeve. On the other side, I act like I don't care, that way you can never tell how much you're effecting me. Which then when I'm told I can't have something, I realize how much I really wanted it.

Have you ever?

Have you ever started on someones blog (blogspot) and then clicked the next arrow at the top? It's like blog roulette. You just never know what you'll find next.

I've come to realize after clicking through for about an hour, most people blog about their kids. John rolled over today, Emma drooled on the dog and it was just so adorable. Do people really think the world is that interested in their kids every move? Of course, do people really give two iotas about what I have to say either? I guess my ramblings about what I see in the world are no different than blogging about every little thing a 3 month old does.

The other topic that is on just about every other blog click through is Girl Scout Cookies. Most people bitching about how much they cost, how bad they are, how many places they get hit up for them, but OH how good they are.

When I was little I used to HATE that my dad refused to bring my girl scout order forms (or whatever else I was selling for soccer, ccd, etc.) to work. I used to get so mad and throw a fit. (shocker, right?) But now that I'm older, I so appreciate it.
1) Make the kids sell this stuff themselves!! Learn some self sufficiency at an early age, won't hurt ya.
b) People feel obligated to purchase when it's the boss. Not cool. I used to feel that way a lot at my old job, going to sales demos and parties for his family. I always felt obligated to attend and to purchase something, oh and smack a smile on my face while doing so.
iii) Codependent parents. Or better known as helicopter parents. That is what is wrong with our society today. Kids that get to college and need their parents to call every morning to wake them up. Parents who think their kids deserve a better grade and they'll go in and fight for it. Or my FAVORITE example of the putter-putter of a hovering parent: the call about why their kid didn't get the job they interviewed for or the raise they deserved.

I mean, why should Jenny get a laptop from the GS (this year's prize if you sell 2,000 boxes) because daddy brought the order form to work and all his employees felt obligated to buy a case? I EARNED that trip to GS camp one year selling more boxes of cookies than higher than I could count. It SUCKED delivering every last box, but damn, was I good at my times tables of x times $2.50. I still use that skill today. :)

This weather is just bitter cold. I try not to complain about the weather too much. I know in July I'll think it's too hot and long for cooler days. But damn, 0 with negative wind chills? Is it any wonder why going out in Broad Ripple does not sound appealing at ALL. Even if the Pope were here and wanted to go shake his tail feathers, I would pass to sit at home in my warm hoodie. Who wants to run around a street with drunken people when it's so cold out? Not me. I want to live somewhere that the weather is fall and spring year round. My two favorite seasons, that we only seem to get like a week of.

I can't wait for warmer weather and concert season. After going to so many concerts this past summer/fall with my new friend, I realized how much I love live music. Even if it's a band I don't know too well. I hear there's a lawn summer pass and I would totally like to look into that, especially since the outside venue is 5 minutes from my house. Even week night concerts were pretty awesome. Sometimes I forget to stop and have fun and live life. That's what this new friend (well he's been around for 7 months, so I'm not sure he qualifies as new anymore...although he still has that new car smell and still surprises me on an almost daily basis) has taught me, to have fun. I gave up so many years being codependent with my addicted bff; so I think of this as making up for lost time.

Speaking of music, I totally get in music ruts. I'll listen to the same 12 songs for weeks straight. Then I hear something old from the collection and I get on that forever. I've enjoyed listening to iTunes on shuffle for the past week, so many songs and artists I've forgotten about.

So there you go, instead of this being about rolling over and drooling, it's about music and the weather. Obviously, much more exciting.

Yippee!!

I made it to another round. :] Trying not to get too crazy excited, but yeehaw!

Addendum

I just balanced my checkbooks and paid bills. Depressing. That's all I can come up with to describe this feeling. I have got to stop spending more than I make each month. Just once, I bet it would be an amazing feeling and I bet I'd notice a difference. It would be nice to log-in to pay my credit cards and not see the balances increase from my last log-in and to not get that omgimgoingtopuke feeling in my stomach. What's my issue?!

I can manage my budgets at work with the best of them, saving every penny and coming in below expenditures and above revenue. At home? not so much. ugh

Here we go again...

Hum, let's see, how many blogs have I had in my life? I started with Livejournal, then moved to VOX. I miss Vox. I even had two Vox pages. One for my daily life and one for my health transformation. Then VOX left the cyberworld (tear).

Here it is 2 a.m. and I should be fast asleep. Already packed for Arizona, house cleaned, check books balanced and bills paid. Instead I'm messing around online and listening to the same four songs over and over and over. It's Pretty Lights. I heard about them this week, downloaded the top four most popular songs on iTunes and here I am.

I adopted a solider. My solider is Bruce. I really take for granted what the men and women who serve our country do and sacrifice for us. So I can be stupid and rent a limo with a chicken on it for NYE (best time ever!) or take a day off work and fly off to Phoenix for a weekend celebrating my friend's upcoming nuptials.

I've only exchanged a few emails with Bruce, but I'm really enjoying talking to him. It's interesting to get his perspective on things and I feel really silly telling him about all the things I'm doing over here while he's dodging bullets and chasing down people that want to shoot him. I'm looking forward to sending him a package when I get home, just a little something to show him my thanks for all he does and doing this for us while he's missing his family.

So on that note, I should get off the computer and finish cleaning my house so I can pack, shower and head to the airport.

Will I stay up with this blog? We'll see.